Anyway, one of my sons is a senior in high school. The other day, my wife was out of town, my 20-year old daughter was at work, and he was with me in the kitchen either helping get dinner ready or cleaning it up; I can't remember now. I mentioned that our Mock Prom dance event; a four (or even five) stake mega-stake dance was only a month away really, which seems kind of shocking. We got to talking about that and actual real prom. Keep in mind that he goes to a small charter school, not one of those big public schools, so although they do prom, he's not really that interested in the event, and doesn't anticipate that it'll be all that fun. Although he also, I think, doesn't really want to feel left out of it either. He said he was unlikely to go, because he had no idea who he would ask. He wouldn't want to ask anyone from school, both because they're not members, and because it's a small crowd and he isn't interested at all in anyone there anyway. But he also wouldn't want to ask anyone from church for various reasons. And this is where I found out that something that happened nearly a year ago is maybe a worse problem than I thought for him...
See, first of all, keep in mind that by personality this particular son of mine is rather antisocial and introverted. Let's take a step back and establish some context.
Alex doesn't have a lot of friends, and doesn't make a lot of friends, and doesn't want a lot of friends. When he was younger, he had often just one good friend; one at church and one at school, that he spent most of his time with, and that's often all that he wanted. That's not really true anymore, and he does have more friends, although not really very close ones at school right now. His best friend at church is still around, but their relationship has become complicated. In general, Alex doesn't feel like he has been a good friend, or that he can trust him in many respects. Plus, he's aware that he's not a great influence on him, so he tries to avoid falling too often into being led into, say, skipping Sunday School to go do donuts in the parking lot. Alex finds that temptation fairly difficult because he doesn't find Sunday School a socially welcoming or comfortable environment anyway, but this friend of his is constantly attempting to draw him even further into just not showing up or not engaging—as he himself often does. My wife and I are good friends with his parents and know from them that they're fairly worried about his direction too—he's got a lot of friends at school that aren't very good influences on him, and he's got a bad attitude about church, the ward, his leaders, etc. and looks for any excuse to duck out of what he should be doing rather than just do it anyway even if he doesn't like everything about it. So... like I said; their relationship is complicated.
From my son's point of view, the real problem he's had with this guy is that he is unreliable and easily distracted rather than loyal and dependable, though. A few years ago—back when they were all about 14 or so—a girl in another ward in the stake was obviously interested in him and Alex felt like suddenly his best friend was ditching him to go hang out with more interesting people, and he honestly felt kind of betrayed by this whole affair. She Yoko Ono'd their relationship, and while he doesn't blame her for that (he blames his friend), I suspect that he does resent her to some degree.
But it gets worse. Another girl moved into the area, and also became really good friends with his former best friend (almost all of his friends lately are girls). This was all whatever to Alex, until she started causing completely unnecessary and unexpected drama for him. A year ago, as we were setting up the decorations for Mock Prom, my two sons were in the bathroom, and as Logan was walking out, Alex farted and coughed, which made Logan laugh because this girl was standing (for whatever reason) right outside the bathroom, and obviously heard this. But apparently, she didn't actually hear what it was, because the next thing we know, I'm being told that Alex was vaping in the boy's room! This was kind of ridiculous for a lot of reasons, one of which was that his brother was in the bathroom with him, and I was right around the corner in the gym, and not a lot of people were in the building generally. Also, Alex is unable and unwilling to hide his contempt and scorn for vapers; he thinks that they are posers and try-hards. While that's not the best attitude to have, I've tended to think that there are more important things to worry about rather than really correct it, so I've let it go.
Nevertheless, I went and talked to him about it, and we all thought it was really weird. In fact, it became a little bit of a family joke. But a few months later, it seemed to gain a second life, and people in the YM presidency and the bishopric got hold of this rumor and were worried about it; they talked to me and Alex a few times. I can't find any evidence that he's secretly vaping and not telling me about it, and I seriously doubt that it's very likely or even possible, so again, we were scratching our heads about what the devil was going on, although this time it was maybe a little less amusing than it had been the first time around. (As an aside, Alex is particularly miffed at the irony that the girl who started this gossip about him was literally issued a citation a few months ago for possession of marijuana.) And this time, the gossip seems to have spread a lot further. Yoko Ono has told his old former best friend that he shouldn't hang out with Alex anymore because he's a "bad influence" (which the former best friend told Alex about as a joke, because I think they both recognize that the reverse is more likely true) but I note that he didn't stand up for him and rebuke the gossip. And apparently the story has spread among a lot of the girls his age, who now think that he's trouble and avoid him, because of the gossipy nature of Yoko Ono and her friend.
In short, Alex isn't sure that it's worth trying to get to know any of the girls in the stake his age well enough to ask them out, because he feels like the well has been poisoned against him anyway. Especially with regards to one girl in Yoko Ono's ward who had an obvious and rather blatant interest in him for over two and a half years (which he at least to some degree returned) who he now feels like he can't even attempt to pursue. Now, granted—given the two personalities involved there, it would have been a miracle if those two could actually manage to hold a conversation that lasted for more than ten minutes without one of them freaking out and running away, much less go on a whole date or have a relationship of some kind, but still—he never really showed much interest in anyone else, so it was the best chance he had. Now, he's decided to basically just grit his teeth and finish out high school and then try again with a new crop when he goes to college. Which isn't the worst result ever, but he's never been on a date, he doesn't have much successful socialization or experience with the right kinds of girls, so he's perhaps not as well poised as I'd like to take advantage of the new situation that will be facing him after his mission.
And in the meantime, the situation was worse than I thought. He doesn't feel like church activities are very welcoming or inviting, and he's felt burned and betrayed by his friends at church that he expected better of, and he (along with my other sons, for different reasons) has a terribly negative attitude about girls in the church in particular. Luckily, there are some other mitigating factors—his real best friend is his younger brother, and they always have each other's back in many respects both socially and otherwise. He also understands that church isn't about the social experience (although having a miserable social experience often makes it much harder)—he's excited about going on a mission, and has had some really great experiences in many respects doing things like HEFY and others which have given him some confidence, strengthened his testimony, etc. But he has not had a very fun or happy high school experience, and his social life is still... well, it's not what I would want for him, and I don't think it's what he wants either. But, I'm not really very worried that his social difficulties are going to draw him away from the Gospel or anything, so it's just one of those difficulties he'll have to deal with and overcome, I suppose. And while that's what matters most, it's still hard to see one of your own kids struggling with an experience that by personality they're particularly ill-equipped in some ways to deal with successfully. It's a little bit heart-breaking sometimes to have to watch, and it has sometimes bled over into his relationships at home too over the past few years.
And it's been eye-opening for me too. For a long time, these boys have been somewhat demoralized and disillusioned by bad behavior of the girls at church in particular. I've talked before about the term we coined called Bratty Princess Syndrome, but they learned it first hand from the girls that they've interacted with. For a long time, when they complained about the girls at church being pushy, bossy, entitled bratty little princesses who cause pointless drama for their own entertainment and who completely lack the skills to be charming, sweet, feminine or delightful to be around I would call them out for being snobby, overly negative and judgmental. I'd recommend that they get to know certain girls better that I thought they'd get along with, and they'd almost uniformly tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about. I'd get an avalanche of first hand experiences from them about the girls in question, to the point where I finally had to apologize to my sons for questioning their judgment. And my older son, who's now married, has an increasingly long list (which his wife contributes to, actually) of examples of shockingly bad behavior from women at Rexburg, both from while they were single and even from their young married student ward. I'm now convinced that Bratty Princess Syndrome is a very real stumbling block to the development of healthy and successful relationships between men and women in the Church—and, of course, there are parallel developments in the development of men and boys that exacerbate the problem to a great degree; men "going Galt" in particular. After a life-time of being continuously beat down and taught to expect very little other than overbearing hen-pecking, they either become doormats and cowards who think getting bad behavior is their lot in life, or they simply check out completely and refuse to engage or try altogether, focusing instead on selfish and cowardly bachelor pursuits, or developing bitterness and resentment towards women in general. I'm shocked now that my eyes are a bit more open to it, at how dysfunctional the relationship between men and women is in general, and how ill-equipped this rising generation is to deal with it because of false messages that they've been indoctrinated with their entire lives and social skills that they haven't learned. And while I think much of the doctrine (and culture) of the Church insulates people from the worst excesses of this in our broader ruined society, there's still enough that comes through that it's a significant problem.
So I've got teenaged boys who have a lot of literal war-stories about girls, and a very bad attitude about them in general. Their expectation is now bratty, entitled bad behavior, and they're pleasantly surprised when they don't get it from girls at Church. Alex has said, about the girl who had an obvious crush on him in the past, that "I don't care how pretty she is, if she can't even manage to be pleasant to be around, what is she good for?" after seeing her yell at all of his friends from her ward, throw rocks at Logan because she was irritated that he was in a good mood in the morning at Youth Conference, and then bad-mouth me of all people because Logan called her a princess; which I had earlier told her that my boys had said about the girls in her ward in general. I guess she didn't think that I was telling the truth, or something, until she actually had one of my boys call her out. I think Alex was able to overlook it, though (I pointed out that her behavior was probably a subconscious reaction to her nervousness and awkwardness socially) so maybe he does care how pretty she is after all, but he's come around to thinking that they simply aren't likely to be any good for each other because she's too hard to try to talk to.
Logan's had his own bad experiences, as has Spencer—Logan in particular, at age 14, was already saying that he was sick and tired of dealing with girls and was more interested in women; thinking that the drama would go away as they mature, I expect.
Anyway, that's not really a Gospel topic per se, although given the importance of family and marriage to the Plan of Salvation, it's one that can't really be avoided by those who seek to follow the Gospel. And not very many people are dealing with this issue, or telling our youth what to watch out for. I had a brief discussion with a couple of girls in our ward where I pointed out the numbers imbalance to them. Their reaction was that, well, with inspiration you can figure it out. When I told them that that's what all of the girls were saying, and yet still half of them aren't married—unless polygamy comes back or eligible bachelors literally start falling out of the sky, that can't work because there aren't enough eligible guys to go around, they kind of shrugged and didn't think much of it. And I'm certain that they give no thought whatsoever to the idea that their own behavior can have a significant impact on their odds at being attractive to the kind of guy that they want to have be attracted to them. They've been taught, indirectly of course, but convincingly and falsely, that all they have to do is show up and be a little bit cute and guys will come knocking. And that if they don't, that it's probably the guys' fault collectively, and that of course nothing that they ever do could possibly have an impact long term for their chances of having a successful temple marriage. What has any princess ever had to do to get Prince Charming to carry her away other than show up, after all?
There are hard times ahead for the rising generation. Hard times that when I was their age, I couldn't see coming, or even imagine. Most of them can't either, and honestly, most of their parents and leaders can't see it either. But if there's one thing that I genuinely think that I'm better at than average, it's seeing trends and patterns and predicting how they will play out if some input isn't changed. This is one that scares me quite a bit.
http://flippingfetchingfiddledeedee.blogspot.com/2018/08/on-numbers-and-dating-market.html
http://flippingfetchingfiddledeedee.blogspot.com/2018/08/on-numbers-and-dating-market-part-2.html
http://flippingfetchingfiddledeedee.blogspot.com/2018/09/last-word-on-numbers-and-dating-market.html
http://flippingfetchingfiddledeedee.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-wages-of-feminism.html
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