A new take on the sexes, part I

I've talked quite a bit about what I think is wrong with girls in America today.  For a change of pace, I thought I'd give some guidance for the boys.  The text is largely adapted from Alpha Game's "Graduating Gamma" series and is therefore focused on getting rid of toxic beta behavior.  I'd have simply linked to it, but it's not told from an LDS perspective, and for my purposes, it needs to be.  Also, it's probably a bit on the long side, so I've edited it down.

How to be the kind of guy who will attract the kind of girls you want to attract

Dimension #1: Physical

(The order in which they appear is not to indicate any relative importance.  They had to come in some order is all.)

Guys tend to misunderstand and believe that girls are as drawn by physical attractiveness as guys are.  They're not.  The parameters for attraction are not generally the same between the two sexes.  That said, being as physically attractive as you can be certainly doesn't hurt.  By this I don't mean obsessing with your hair, or anything else vain or OCD, but rather, being in good shape and taking care of yourself.

Get the facts.  Do you know your weight?  Your BMI?  Your blood pressure and cholesterol?  Most people, if they're out of shape, probably know it, but be armed with the facts, not suppositions, not guesses, and certainly not wishful thinking that you're telling yourself.  If you haven't recently done so, get a physical.  At the very least, go to a pharmacy and take your blood pressure, step on a scale, and look up your BMI.  And make a plan to get into better shape if you're not.  Given the epidemic of overweightness and even obesity in today's society, I'll presume that you probably need to lose some.  If not now, as you get older you will.

I don't care what diet you are on to lose weight and nobody else does either. Let me repeat that: I don't care what diet you are on and nobody else does either. Nobody cares about your diet.  Your mother probably doesn't even care what your diet is.  And the last thing the world needs is some overweight guy running around blabbing to everyone about his holy grail diet that he just discovered a few days ago, or even months ago, for that matter.  One of the most irritating beta habits out there is constantly lecturing everyone in an attempt to make yourself look or feel intelligent.  You're not the food police, and even if you've read a book or two or an article online here and there, you're not a dietitian either.  Nobody really wants your opinion on what they should be eating; the only one who cares about your opinion of what you should eat is you.  The only time it is acceptable to talk about your diet is when 1) You can say that you've been on X diet for Y amount of time and have lost Z lbs, and 2) someone specifically asks you about it.

Just do it, don't talk about it.  Don't make excuses to not do it.  This is the killer for most people (including me).  Taken from the article, here are some common ones.  Don't say these things.

• BMI is stupid! – Yeah, it probably is.  But it's a good guideline for more or less where you should be, and let's face it—you're not the exception that you're talking about.  That's being hopelessly obtuse and binary in your thinking, and has nothing to do with the fact that you're out of shape.  
• I don't have the time to go to the gym – Nobody has time to go to the gym.  But for people who make it a priority, they do it anyway.  In any case, if you really don't have time to go to the gym, do you have a floor you can do push-ups and sit-ups on?  Do you have a neighborhood you can walk or run in?  Do something rather than saying that the ideal thing that you'd like to do is too time-consuming for you to do.
• I don't have the money for the gym – Fair enough.  But walking, push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, squats, stairs, and more are all still free.
• If I worked out I'd be in great shape if I wanted to – I bet you would, but you aren't.
• American, Western diet is terrible, man. Like GMOs, carbs, caveman, gluten, sugar, fat, protein and stuff, man. There's no way I can do it. –  Yeah, yeah.  We all know.  And yet, not everyone is in terrible shape, and they don't spend an arm and a leg on food and hours at the gym daily to get there either.

That was kinda negative, but sometimes beta behaviors need to be faced head-on.  Here's some more positive traits to take on instead.  These I quoted directly from the article referred to above:

• Practice stoicism with your diet. This is a quiet, calm acceptance of what the diet brings, including the successes and failures.
• If anyone ever asks you about what you'd like to eat when you are a guest never tell them to modify what they are making to accommodate your diet. You have to be the one which practices self-control and deals with what is on your plate. In other words you don't want to be known as the weirdo who nobody wants to invite over because your diet. (None of this applies to legitimate food allergies or celiac disease, etc.)
• If you make a meal for others, be sure there's food for all tastes; don't force people into your diet.
• If you start to make healthier choices, women notice and they will follow. Want a practical experiment? If you have a girlfriend, wife, or just eat around some women, regularly start picking the healthier options and you will see just like magic the women will too. Occasionally they will get upset instead, but they notice. My wife still remembers to this day that on our very first date I skipped the chips and ate the fruit. I never mentioned a thing about being on a diet, though I was at the time.
• The same stoicism applies to your workout too. I don't care if you like free weights vs. machines, crossfit, running, or whatever. Keep your mouth shut and just go about your business.
• Whenever you feel like talking about your success in whatever you are doing in that first year, channel that energy into doing it even better rather than talking about it. Lead by example.
• If you are under 30 try picking up a highly physical competitive sport when you can handle it like a basketball, or soccer league or martial arts. Competition shakes out the beta tendencies and is great exercise.

Never give up.  Nobody's ever at their perfect physical condition until the resurrection.  Get back on the wagon if you fall off and keep trying.  Making progress is the goal.  If you're making progress, you're doing it right, even if you still have more progress that needs to be made.  The post I'm referring to also gives some examples of how to handle some of this stuff from a social angle, which I think is pretty clever and which I like much more than I expected to.  I'll reproduce this in full too.

Person: ”You don’t want any more of this? You on a diet or something?”
You: “I’m full, thanks.” 

Person: ”What do you think about the diet-du jour I’m all into?!?!”
You: “I don’t know… I just try to watch what I eat. 

Girl: “I love chocolate cake, you? I mean I could eat this whole thing if I didn’t stop!”
You: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I love desserts too.” *You eat one small piece in front of her* 

Girlfriend/wife: “I want to lose weight, honey. I’m going to try the XYZ diet I heard about. What do you think?” **DING! DING! This is good news she’s changing for you.**
You: “Sounds like a good idea; I’ll watch what I eat too. I know I need to watch it sometimes.” *Then you stick to your diet and just help when she asks for it. Ultimately her food choices are NOT your responsibility* 

Person at gym: “I’m doing this exercise thing I’m so excited about let me tell you all about why it is better than what everyone else does…”
You-interrupting: “Hey man, that’s cool and I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m here to get a workout in, so can I get back to my thing?” *walk away if you need to* 

Person: “We are having a BBQ this weekend, is there anything you can’t eat? I’ve noticed you’ve lost some weight, are you on some diet? I don’t want to mess you up or anything…”
You: “Oh no, whatever you make is just fine. I’ve lost a little weight lately, thanks for noticing.”
Person: “No really, you’ve lost some serious weight these last six months, what have you been doing? Atkins? I know a girl who…”
You: *after waiting for them to catch their breath so you aren’t rude* “I’ve just been watching it some, nothing special. Thanks for the invite, I’ll see you there.”

 Dimension #2: Spiritual

In the modern world, spirituality is often spurned, especially if it's Christian spirituality (ironically, all kinds of other bizarre cultic beliefs are often celebrated.)  The scriptures prophesied that in the last days, the truly righteous will be very few.  You need to be one of them.  This doesn't just mean not doing overtly bad things, there's a lot more that needs to be done.  Much of what we talk about in Church is geared towards increasing our spirituality, and I don't want to miss something important just because I'm writing a much smaller summary of how to be spiritual than you'll get in General Conference.  Rather, I'm going to focus on a few things that I think maybe aren't covered as much, or as succinctly as I'd sometimes like to see them, with a focus on removing toxic beta behavior with regards to your spirituality.  This is probably the article that I'm summarizing that requires the most work, both because it was written as a catch-all for any belief system, and because the author is a Christian, but not of our faith, so he's missing stuff that we know.

Know what you believe and why you believe it.  We've all been there —testimony meetings where people get up and use it as a thank you, or I love all of you, or I need group therapy and this is all I can afford, or whatever.  Gospel doctrine classes where comments are a field day of false doctrines and bizarre ideas.  Utah culture conflicting with Church doctrine.  Pushy people at Church who want to proselytize their pet ideas as more correct than what the Brethren have taught (I had to hear that with regards to fouling in Church ball recently.)  Quoting the article briefly:

The most common error I see betas make in regards to spiritual and ethical matters is treating it like a game of witty comments, snark, and playing at the edges of important matters without skin in the game. The second mistake is thinking width of knowledge of spiritual matters is more important than depth. This flows directly from the beta's ever-present and crippling fear of being wrong somewhere and somehow. The beta does not understand the deep matters behind what is going on in his own beliefs, which is ironic since most betas vastly overestimate their knowledge and ability in most everything. 

The first step is to really be familiar with the scriptures.  Read the Book of Mormon every day.  When you're done, turn to the beginning and start over.  Do your Come Follow Me religiously (no pun intended.)  Go to seminary or institute if it's age appropriate for you.  If not, you can still get most institute manuals online anyway—go through them.  Read the Conference reports backwards and forwards in the months between sessions.  The best antidote to falling prey to false doctrine is to understand true doctrine.  Seek the spirit and have it with you as you study.  It will bear witness of the truth of what you read, and will warn you of false interpretations.

While I'm not very familiar with this market, I know it's out there for people who grow up in the Deseret area—Utah, northern Arizona, parts of California, Wyoming, and most of Idaho.  Be wary of non-Church approved sources of doctrine and interpretation.  Popular books, podcasts, memes, or whatever may all be well and good, but they may also be from people who have grasped on to Gospel hobbies, or who otherwise will lead you stray, or even if not astray, they will keep you from seeing what you really should be doing (remember Elder Oaks talk "Good, Better Best" from a few years ago?)

You should even be wary of reading some random guy's blog about this kind of stuff.

Some quotes from the article: "[P]ray a great deal about what you find in humility and ask for forgiveness in being arrogant and obnoxious about your beliefs. Pray for wisdom and insight. Pray for a peaceful soul when finding troubling new truths.[...] Realize you are probably not nearly as smart as you'd like to think and you need to change when the truth leads you to an inevitable conclusion.  You do this because you need depth on your beliefs, not width. You don't need to know everything about everyone else's beliefs; you need to know yours very well. [...] [B]e honest with yourself about your beliefs and why you hold them. Live up to the beliefs consistently as possible."

Seek guidance from wise people placed in your path.  You have a called Bishop or Branch President. You have ministering brothers.  You have a family.  You have Sunday School and Priesthood classes.  Enter these opportunities with humility, not trying to show off your knowledge or play gotcha games with tough questions, but to honestly improve your knowledge of and faith in the Gospel and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And then I'll also add another quote about forgiveness from the article, because it applies especially to a lot of toxic beta behavior that is sadly too common in our society.  I'm quoting below with only one minor modification for correct doctrine.

One of the most difficult things for betas to do is to forgive. They are so afraid of being seen as wrong or disliked they almost never forgive a slight and think that others never forgive either. They hold grudges, they are passive-aggressive towards people who have embarrassed them, or ignore them (block them on Twitter in today's world), and they don't even forgive themselves for wrongs. Betas don't forgive themselves, instead they lie to themselves and claim that they have done no wrong.  If they do happen to admit to themselves they did something wrong, they typically obsess about it to the point of exhaustion, but never deal with it. It's big reason why their relationships are perpetually troubled, they come across as disingenuous to most people because they genuinely are, and they obsess about minor offenses because they aren't honest and they don't know how to forgive. 

Forgiveness is a big part of a spiritual life, and life in general. Don't be obtuse about this either, that I’m talking about a wishy-washy faux forgiveness in which one claims there’s nothing to forgive. You are not required to forget actions taken against you, or make yourself vulnerable to further exploitation, but of us it is required to forgive all men. When you forgive someone, that’s the end of it. Repentance isn't just being sorry, it means changing one's behavior, which is a big difference. You don't lord their past actions over them, demand penance, or other such nonsense. You move on. You should also seek reconciliation against those you have legitimately wronged. However, don't let your attempt at reconciliation open you to an attempt at revenge against you. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to date them, marry them, or even associate with them anymore beyond being civil if you are in the room with them. Forgiveness is not affection.  

Being a man means being honest with yourself about your actions, taking responsibility for them, seeking reconciliation when you’ve done wrong, and forgiving those who have wronged.

More quoting without needing much editing by me.  The remainder of this post is quoted with only a light touch of editing by me:

Don't give out your word easily or say you will do something you think you cannot do or will not realistically do. This isn't a technique to dodge responsibility, but rather a way to focus your abilities into the things you can actually accomplish and do well. A beta will act like he can do things he can't and has a profound inability to take responsibility for his actions and typically resorts to running, lying, and deflecting as to avoid consequences. Once you start taking responsibility for things you will find it starts to become natural though not always easy. If someone gives you a task to do and you aren't sure you can do it, there’s nothing wrong with letting them know you may not succeed but then assure them you will give it your full effort. If you fail, take full responsibility for your actions even if someone else put you in a tough spot, but be honest about how you ended up there if people inquire.  

Women generally despise men who have no firm foundations of beliefs. They may not notice for a while if you are careful, but eventually they spot your inconsistent behavior and lose respect for you. A firm foundation and wellspring from which you draw your beliefs about the universe acts like a rock of stability which women respect even if they don't believe the same. You’ll find the same is true with men as well. Christians routinely say, and mean it when they'd rather deal with an honest atheist than a dishonest Christian. 

This is pure Game here, which is standing out in the crowd. In today's world will not an honest and honorable man not stand out in the crowd? I hear the cynic now talking about how an honest man is naïve, and people spit on honor. Honesty is not naïve it means dealing with how things really are, and who cares if the degenerates of the world scoff at virtue? They have always scoffed and they'll scoff to their grave and perhaps beyond.  

The reason that depth is more important than width here is the gravity of the subject at hand. The consequences are eternal, and they're not limited to just you. If you have children then what you pass on to them can carry on for generations.  

For the beta this lack of personal, spiritual, honesty is the underpinning of all of their problems. If you start to become honest with yourself, learn about why you believe certain things at a deep level, are ready to forgive and also repent when you do wrong, you'll find the other steps: Physical, Mental, and Emotional become easier to correct.
The anti-beta conclusion on Spiritual aspect of life: The world needs more honest men and honorable men. Be one of them.